Its strange the way things work out. My husband and I have always wanted a family. We have always talked about having around 3 kids (he thinks 4 but I don’t take him seriously). Definitely more than one child. I went off birth control in March so that I could give me body a few months to adjust to being off “the pill” before we got pregnant with our #2. I did not make a big announcement about it because, well, it took us 6 months to conceive Sophia and I figured the same would be true with any other child we have.
We were surprised to learn we were 6 weeks pregnant in early June. Total shocker. It was not the best surprise at first. Certainly not the excitement we felt when we learned we were pregnant with Sophia. Okay, let me change that “we” to “I” I think my husband was thrilled but for me this pregnancy came with baggage. My sister’s stillbirth still weighed heavily on my mind. Telling her and my family that I was pregnant so soon afterwards was something I dreaded. I had just accepted a new position at work so telling my new boss and coworkers was something else I dreaded. In my mind, it was just bad timing all around. In hindsight, I know I was not as welcoming to the pregnancy as I should have been and a big part of me feels very guilty about that now. In the end, it worked out. I told my sister and my boss and no one reacted with the negativity I was feeling myself. As the weeks passed I got more excited and more used to the idea of welcoming a sibling for Sophia come January. My body started changing quickly. I was eating right, drinking water, taking my pre-natal vitamins. I was exhausted but happy.
At 9.5 weeks pregnant I went for my first doctor’s visit. I went alone because my husband was under the weather (more about that later) and promised to bring home a bright and shiney ultrasound picture of our newest peanut. It was not meant to be. The doctor could not find a heartbeat in the ultrasound. Since the baby was measuring right on target I was sent to have a more indepth and more technologically savvy ultrasound the next day to confirm viabilty. My husband came with me this time. We were worried, scared, and at the same time resigned to the fact that this baby just may not be meant to be. It wasn’t. The specialist called it a missed abortion. I disliked that term immediately. The bottom line is that in normal miscarriages your body aborts the pregnancy on its own. In my case, my body had not realized that anything was wrong yet and was continuing on as if the baby was alive and growing. I was scheduled for a D&C for the very next morning. It all happened very quickly – and I was glad to not prolong a situation that had no happy ending.
I am doing really well. We have our moments when the pang of disappointment hits. When we look at Sophia and all of the “what ifs” float through our brains. Was this a boy or girl? How much would this baby have looked, sounded, or acted like Sophia? However, those thoughts are few and far between. After everything we went through with my sister I know how devastating it can be for something like this to happen later rather than sooner. Or maybe its because it was not my first pregnancy and I know I can get pregnant and stay pregnant to term. I have friends who try for years to get pregnant and then miscarry and know how heart-stopping their disappointment is that this time was not the time either. Whatever the reason – I am glad I am doing well. I am looking forward to getting pregnant again and adding to my family. This pregnancy, this baby was not meant to be – but I will have another child. Sophia will be a big sister. One day. Hopefully soon.
Medically, the doctor says we can start trying again whenever we want to. My husband and I want to give my body a little more time to heal but hope to be pregnant again by the end of the summer.
Big, huge hugs. XOXOXOXO
Sending you a big hug. I’m sorry for your loss.
Huge ((HUGS)) You are a wonderful mother to Sophia and will be to another little bundle sometime soon. Your positive outlook is awesome.. Love ya Liz
A friend of mine just went through the same thing, it was her 1st PG and it hit her a bit harder, I think I’ll show her your blog, to motivate her. You are truly an inspiration and incredible mother. Sophia is a lucky girl as will be her future siblings. Hang in there! ((HUGS)) and love 🙂
Hugs to you. I am sorry that you had to deal with this. You are a great mom, Mel, and one day you will be a great mom to more than one peanut. 🙂 I hope I get to meet you sometime soon!
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope that you manage to conceive by the end of the summer and that your family plans work out.