My Miscarriage

Its strange the way things work out. My husband and I have always wanted a family. We have always talked about having around 3 kids (he thinks 4 but I don’t take him seriously). Definitely more than one child.  I went off birth control in March so that I could give me body a few months to adjust to being off “the pill” before we got pregnant with our #2. I did not make a big announcement about it because, well, it took us 6 months to conceive Sophia and I figured the same would be true with any other child we have.

We were surprised to learn we were 6 weeks pregnant in early June. Total shocker. It was not the best surprise at first. Certainly not the excitement we felt when we learned we were pregnant with Sophia. Okay, let me change that “we” to “I” I think my husband was thrilled but for me this pregnancy came with baggage. My sister’s stillbirth still weighed heavily on my mind. Telling her and my family that I was pregnant so soon afterwards was something I dreaded. I had just accepted a new position at work so telling my new boss and coworkers was something else I dreaded. In my mind, it was just bad timing all around. In hindsight, I know I was not as welcoming to the pregnancy as I should have been and a big part of me feels very guilty about that now. In the end, it worked out. I told my sister and my boss and no one reacted with the negativity I was feeling myself. As the weeks passed I got more excited and more used to the idea of welcoming a sibling for Sophia come January. My body started changing quickly. I was eating right, drinking water, taking my pre-natal vitamins. I was exhausted but happy.

At 9.5 weeks pregnant I went for my first doctor’s visit. I went alone because my husband was under the weather (more about that later) and promised to bring home a bright and shiney ultrasound picture of our newest peanut. It was not meant to be. The doctor could not find a heartbeat in the ultrasound. Since the baby was measuring right on target I was sent to have a more indepth and more technologically savvy ultrasound the next day to confirm viabilty. My husband came with me this time. We were worried, scared, and at the same time resigned to the fact that this baby just may not be meant to be. It wasn’t. The specialist called it a missed abortion. I disliked that term immediately. The bottom line is that in normal miscarriages your body aborts the pregnancy on its own. In my case, my body had not realized that anything was wrong yet and was continuing on as if the baby was alive and growing. I was scheduled for a D&C for the very next morning. It all happened very quickly – and I was glad to not prolong a situation that had no happy ending.

I am doing really well. We have our moments when the pang of disappointment hits. When we look at Sophia and all of the ”what ifs” float through our brains. Was this a boy or girl? How much would this baby have looked, sounded, or acted like Sophia? However, those thoughts are few and far between. After everything we went through with my sister I know how devastating it can be for something like this to happen later rather than sooner. Or maybe its because it was not my first pregnancy and I know I can get pregnant and stay pregnant to term. I have friends who try for years to get pregnant and then miscarry and know how heart-stopping their disappointment is that this time was not the time either. Whatever the reason – I am glad I am doing well. I am looking forward to getting pregnant again and adding to my family. This pregnancy, this baby was not meant to be – but I will have another child. Sophia will be a big sister. One day. Hopefully soon.

Medically, the doctor says we can start trying again whenever we want to. My husband and I want to give my body a little more time to heal but hope to be pregnant again by the end of the summer.

Happy Father’s Day!

I have been blessed to have grown up around a number of positive male figures. My dad, it goes without saying, was the most positive male influence a girl could ask for. He taught me to ride a bike, drive a car, long division…and imparted countless wisdoms which I still use today. My dad is a wonderful man who was always honest, loving, and protective of his daughters. He was smart enough to teach us to make our own decisions without taking away our ability to fly.

My uncle, his brother, my Godfather has provided me with too many memories over the years which make me smile or laugh out loud. I remember loving to draw as a child because of him. I remember him advising me to punch the little boy in kindergarten who kept kissing me. I remember so much!  For almost 24 years my dad and my uncle were just about the only men in my life!

Over the last 6 years I have been blessed to add my husband to this exclusive club of men in my life. He is more than likely the best decision I ever made. Loving him and marrying him has changed my life, and me, in ways I cannot express. Since our daughter was born my love for him seems to have quadrupled! I would not think it possible. There is something about seeing how much he loves our child that sends tingles through me in a way his cologne used to. Its amazing how things evolve.

Lastly, another amazing male in my life is my sister’s husband. My brother-in-law is the brother I would have chosen if I could. He is an absolutely fantastic husband to my sister, an amazing uncle to Sophia, and a sweet father to our angel Ava. Life has thrown my sister and brother-in-law a harsh curve ball but they are weathering it well…and most importantly…together.

I had a little bit of time to scrounge up some then and now pictures of Sophia with the men in HER life. Her two favorite guys. Enjoy! And…..HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! I hope you got to spend the day celebrating the men in your life who mean so much.

THEN:

NOW:

Little Miss Thing

Finally, a Sophia update. I know that this is what you have been waiting for. Who cares about me and my job? We know that its all about Sophia.

I am slowly discovering what it means to be the mother of a little girl. How, do you ask, does this differ from being the mother of a baby girl? Plenty. A baby girl is sweet, cuddly, with short burst of drama. A little girl is drama with surprise bursts of sweet and cuddly. And, as you will read, Sophia is all girl.

Yesterday morning I walked into her room all ready for work. I actually had a dress on. This is not common. I own maybe 3 dresses that I wear maybe once every few weeks. Sophia smiled when she saw me, caressed the front of my dress and said, “I like the dress, Mama.” I know, right? Not possible. But it happened! It sounded more like, “I yike da dwess, mama,” but it meant the same thing. My 20 month old started the morning by complimenting me.

This same little girl will spend a half hour trying on all of her shoes, brushing her hair, playing with her tea pot, singing, dancing, spinning in circles. She covers her mouth when she coughs. She covers her mouth when she giggles. Yesterday evening she made up a song about her Teddy Bear. Well, truth be told, I am not sure if it was made up. Maybe other parents can tell me if this is an actual song because I had never heard it before. She danced her Teddy Bear around and sang, “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear don’t you bite.” Clear as day. Where had that come from?

How is all that for sweet and cuddly? Now, enter, DRAMA.

Her new question for me in the mornings when I wake her up for school is, “Mama, why you here?”

She wants to be the center of attention and is constantly telling us to, “Look at me!”

Heaven forbid that I am either late with her dinner or change something without consulting her. The tears start, the wails start. Last night, she laid her hand on the table and proceeded to lay her forehead on the top of that hand while wailing the whole time. Why? Because I had the nerve to dip her hot dog in ketchup instead of letting her do it.

This morning, before I handed her a mini-muffin, Sophia actually said, “Eww. Yucky.” Just because she can, not because she thought the muffin was yucky. I have no idea where she learned that one.

I think little girls are prone to drama. As I have no little boys I cannot tell you if this is true for all children no matter their gender. Maybe for little boys its called something different. Sophia is very attached to me lately. When her father actually attempts to hug the both of us at the same time (while I am holding her) she actually pushes him away and says, “No. Mooove, Dada”. We thought it was because of me. The other night our roles were reversed and when I hugged them while my hubby was holding Sophia, she did the same thing and told me to move.

There is something awesome in all of this. A parent’s love for their child knows no bounds because whether Sophia is being sweet, cuddly, or dramatic – I am completely captivated. Yes, this can quickly switch to exasperation but the fact that she thinks to do or say these things leaves me in awe of this little person she is growing into.

Happy, Happy to Me!

A big thing happened while I was not blogging. I turned thirty years old. By far, my favorite reaction by others when they hear this news is, “Wow, you are so young!” How sweet, right? I remember when thirty was so far away and seemed so old. Now that I am here, obviously, I realize that its not old at all!

One the day of my actual birthday, since it fell on a Friday, my husband and I took the day off of work. I had a great day planned for all of us (of course we took Sophia with us) to head down to Islamorada and visit a tiny, 17-acre seaquarium called Theater of the Sea. It was quite adorable. There was a sea lion show, a dolphin show, a parrot show, a bottomless boat ride complete with dolphin antics. Sophia had a ball. There was just one problem. For some reason there was not a single breeze. Not one. This made for an extremely hot and sweaty experience. So, while we had fun – we were also glad that the whole park could be enjoyed in three hours.

That evening I enjoyed an Italian dinner with the hubby and Sophia – after which Sophia and I shared my birthday cannoli. Her first ever. I think its a keeper. When I have time I promise to share pics.

Surprise!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday!

The kicker of the weekend was that Saturday I was surprised with a surprise birthday party. It came as a total shock. I had made things difficult by trying to plan my own event for that evening (umm, hello, turning 30 here!) while my husband and family were scrambling behind the scenes to set up a Surprise Birthday BBQ at my mother-in-law’s house. It was awesome. I had no make-up on, was wearing bummy, non-celebration-worthy clothes, and it rained almost the whole time. But it was awesome. There is nothing like getting with family and friends and celebrating. The fact that we were celebrating me was a huge plus.

So, there you have it. I turned 30 with a bang!

Lots of updates!

Things have been a little hectic in my world lately which has given me very little time to blog. So now, while I have a little extra time, I will blog a few blogs about what has been up.

Today marks one of the last two days of my current job before I move over to my new position. This is very exciting for me because a) my new job is going to be new and challenging and so different from my current job. I have been doing the same thing for about 3 years now and am long overdo for a change. And b) I love my new boss. I have worked with her for years and so reporting to her should be a busy, ball of fun. Yeah, I know that as she is a boss I will eventually have stuff to complain about but for now I am a drift in a Utopian fog of delight.

The downside is preparing to leave my old role for my new role and a huge part of that is preparing my work to be handed off to others in my department. We got the terrible news last week that they did not get approval to replace my position due to the recession and hiring freeze. Ouch. This means that while I am happy and delighted – I am also wracked with guilt because my coworkers are about to get very over-worked, while remaining underpaid. I know, I know – I have to look out for me and my interests but since this was so unexpected I still feel guilt. But what can you do?

Budding Music Critic

A couple of weeks ago Sophia and I were in the car waiting for my husband to come out of Home Depot.  Sophia was sitting in the backseat of the car and asked me to turn the radio on by pointing to it and saying, “moo sack?” When I complied with her demand and a random song filled the car she quickly shook her head and said, “other moo sack”. I could barely believe the kid had just, in her own way, asked me to change the station. So, I did. I remember that a hip-hop song came on, I think it was The Black Eyed Peas, and I thought for sure she would going to want to keep it on. But, no. She again asked for the other music – this time using her pointer finger and indicating the pre-programmed buttons on the radio. So, I changed it a third time and an oldies sock hop type song came on which Sophia obviously approved of because she began to bop and sway in her car-seat. This was so funny to me! Opinions and likes at her age? All I could think was, boy, am I in trouble!

The plot thickens.

Yesterday while waiting in the CVS drive-thru for a prescription to be filled we played this game again. Me changing the station, Sophia listening for a second before shaking her head and saying, “no” to this song or that. I even tested her with a Wiggles CD and was surprised that she said no to each and every song. Finally, as the pharmacy tech handed me the prescription, I had enough and just left it on a random Miami station and began driving home. A few minutes later I hear Sophia say, “I like this” and I look in the rear-view mirror to see her nodding her head and repeating, “I like this.” I wanted to confirm that she meant the song so I specifically asked her, “Sophia, you like this music?” To which she nodded and said, “yes”.

The 80s free-style song Diamond Girl by Nice and Wild was playing on the radio. Her father’s time favorite brand of music. I could not wait to get home to tell him.

New Phrases, New Class, New Stuff!

I am proud as punch to announce that I have taught Sophia two new phrases that melt my heart whenever I hear her say them. Very exciting stuff. Sophia now says, “I love you” and “I’m sorry”. Both in a lispy little baby voice that is absolutely the best thing ever.

Sophia turned 20 months old yesterday. This means that we are 4 months away from birthday number two – when it seems that birthday number one was just yesterday. I also got notified by the daycare that she and a half dozen of her friends will be moving from the 1 plus class to the 2 year old class – within the next 2 weeks! That was totally unexpected to me. She still has 4 months to go until she is 2. There is no way she is ready! The idea gave me heartburn. I love her current teachers and was looking forward to her spending a lot more time with them. Alas, no. They are doing one big move now since there will be room in the Two’s Class. After speaking to the director and voicing my concerns I felt better. She is going over with her friends so its not like my 20 month old is going to be surrounded by much bigger kids. Her peers will be with her. Its still hard on me but my daycare is good about making the transition easy on the kiddos.

One last update about daycare – Sophia’s class will be one of the opening acts of the Pre-School Graduation on June 3rd. I have been asked to dress her in red, white, and blue. She will be carrying a tiny Cuban flag to signify her heritage (the other kids in the class will do the same and carry flags from France, Brazil, USA, Columbia, etc). They will do this while dancing to a remixed version of Ricky Martin’s The Cup of Life. This sounds like a blast to me and I cannot wait to see them shake their little bon-bons! From what I hear, they have been practicing every day.

I will end this post with a funny story. My parents are always trying to get Sophia to say funny things. Most recently my mom started teaching Sophia to say, “Ice Ice Baby”. Its hysterical because no matter how many times we say it or how slow we say it, Sophia’s version is always, “I see baby!” Or, “Icy Baby!” Or, as my mom thinks, “Aye si, baby!”

Is it OK for your kid to impress you?

My kid impresses me on a regular basis. I don’t want to tell her this too often because I do not want her to get a big head but since she is barely 20 months old I think its okay that I feel this way without the worry that she is going to get a fat head and be unbearable to live with.

I am just totally impressed at the “concepts” she is getting. Yesterday as I picked her up from daycare and was strapping her into her car-seat Sophia pointed at the driver’s seat and said, “Mama’s chair.” I smiled big and told her, “good girl, yes that is Mama’s chair.” She looked at me for a second, looked at the front passenger seat, looked back at me, pointed to it, and stated, “Dada’s chair” This made me laugh because Abel swears that the driver side is his side but obviously his daughter is smarter than he and has realized the truth: WOMEN DRIVER’S ROCK.

What happened this morning is the reason the question that is the subject of this post came to me. Like I do every morning I walked into Sophia’s room and got her clothes, diaper, etc set up as she stood in her crib and watched me while chatting to me about all of her toys and shoes. When I asked her if she was ready to get up, instead of saying yes, she pointed behind her to her sheet and said, “wet”. Clear as day. Wet. Baby speak for, “Mom, you better change my sheets before bedtime tonight.” I don’t know why that impressed me so much but it did! And when I asked her how it got wet she looked down and patted the front of her diaper through her pajamas. It was so funny and cute!

I am one easily impressed Mama!

Foto Friday. :)

I love these two….

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Behold the power of positive thinking….

…or just damn good luck.

I will try to make this short and to the point (hence, the bullet points).

1)I have been unhappy and stressed in my current role for a while but I love the company I work for.

2) A few months ago I realized the direction I wanted to take in my career. I realized what my dream job would be. I also realized that in order for me to start realizing the dream that a spot would have to open up in my dream department.

3) I did some praying and hoping.

4) Then I remembered that as much as one can pray and hope that it works better if “you put your half so God can put His half”. I have always liked that saying because, dude, give Him something to work with! And so I did. I asked around. I put my interest out there. I started getting positive feedback.

5) Eventually, after a few months, an opportunity opened up in my Dream Department. I applied. I was the first interview. I waited. I bit my fingernails. Finally, almost 3 weeks after my interview I got the call that the job was mine!

THE JOB IS MINE! I am elated. I am ecstatic. I am excited about the opportunity this presents, for the new challenges that it will bring, and for the change of pace. I am also thrilled to be moving to a department full of people whom I genuinely like and respect and who (even better) respect me.

The motto strikes again: LIFE IS GOOD!